14 posts tagged “me being whiney”

I'm feeling kind of....totally unmotivated and down and pessimistic about The Future. It's pointless to talk about the economy because everyone already knows it's shit so I'll spare the whining about that. Not the best time to graduate and get out into the world on my own.

My current obsession of the moment is Skins, a British teenage 'dramedy' (did I really just use that term? Please shoot me) that is like, ridiculously awesome and I am totally, unabashedly obsessed with it. I won't bore you with the details but it's totally crazy awesome. It also has some pretty awesome music that I have since acquired and am enjoying more than I probably should. Everything from Bon Iver to the Human League to Lily Allen to Santogold. I was also hanging out with my friend Christina the other day and she had the Moldy Peaches playing in her car, so I've been listening to them a bit too. A bit harder to get into but still good.

Anyway, as far as the family goes, things are swell. My sister is going to have a little girl, which is totally unsurprising since there since the last like 10 people born into our close family have been girls (all my cousins are girls, and the ones that have kids have girls). My grandpa is still crazy, my mom got a new job, the dog is starting to get lots of white fur in which is a) cute and b) sad because she's getting old. I still think of her as my little puppy though.

I was going to rant and rave about some other stuff that's been eating at me, but I'm not sure where I'd start or what I'd say. So, yeah.

A week from tomorrow I will be hopping on a plane (yay for free flights!) and spending about 45 minutes in the air between Gunnison and Denver. Pretty excited to be home without any homework or essays or exams looming over my head!

*sigh* Every couple weeks it seems like all my professors assign an assload of work, then once that's over I have about a week of (relative) sanity before the next wave of madness. Unfortunately, I picked a week of madness to get sick. Actually I only have one more essay due this week, but it's a really important essay that I need to do really well on.

But uuughhhh why am I sick?! I almost never get sick, and when I do it's usually a day or so of a little stuffy nose, maybe a dry throat, maybe a little crappy feeling. And that's pretty much what this is, just worse than usual, and not going away. So this is probably a lot of people's average, usual cold, but to me it's completely horrible and practically debilitating. My back has also been bothering me, so now I'm a pale, limping, sniffling bag of germs. Ugh.

I'm also sitting here listening to Silent Hill music on YouTube at 6:30 in the morning, lol. Don't ask.

And props to anyone who knows what the quote in the subject is from >.>

Today I got two essays back, both with As. Both were essays that I put off til the very last minute and did not have high hopes for, which always seems to happen. I always assume the worst, and usually end up getting good grades.

I think I'm a pretty good writer, and I always keep the essay prompt or subject at the very front of my mind when writing, so I always write about what I need to write about without going off onto random tangents about some other topic. Which is great except for when the minimum page length is higher than about 5 pages. I'm a pretty tight writer when it comes to essays; I tend to state my point, elaborate a bit, then wrap it up. I don't like going into paragraphs of bullshit that can just as easily be said in a couple sentences. Hence why I hate minimum page requirements. If I answer the question, if I use X number of outside sources, integrate quotes cleanly, etc, then what does it matter if I'm at 4 pages or 5? Or 3 pages rather than 4? Please judge my paper on the content alone, not its length. If the topic is discussed and analyzed thoroughly and thoughtfully, the length shouldn't matter. Quality, not quantity!

But...I'm worried that I will fall into a cocky sense of false security, thinking "oh, I don't have to do that now, I can do it the night before it's due and still get a good grade! That's what always happens anyway!" I know that sooner or later (sooner rather than later given that this is my last year as a student) that's going to catch up to me and I'm going to crash and burn. Uh oh!

Anyway, I just wrote this so I could put off writing a ginormous paper that's due...yep...tomorrow. I have two pages done already! Just got another 6-8 to go....

I interrupt my regularly scheduled homework to bitch, a la Vox. I am horribly, horribly behind in my English class ("behind" as in I have a rough draft of an essay due tomorrow that I just started a couple hours ago, and am about 3/4 done with and am OUT of ideas for how to make it any longer.) It doesn't help that I, oh....hate English classes. I take that back. I don't hate them. I like reading, and writing isn't so bad either. But it depends on what I'm reading/writing about. This class basically is little more than reading poems and other short works of literature and critically analyzing them. What does that mean? I have no idea. I basically have to analyze the shit out of this 54-line poem and churn out a 7-page essay on it. Um. Ok. Something about irony? And ambiguity? And how the whole thing somehow manages to maintain "literary unity" through it all? Great for the poem, now how am I supposed to maintain literary unity in this paper that's a clusterfuck of literary terms that I vaguely understand and don't give a damn about? I always try and take classes that I want to take, but this one was forced upon me, which might be why I'm so angry and bitter and resentful towards it. It also doesn't help that I'm the only non-English major/minor in the class, so despite being older and perhaps more "college wise" than a lot of them, I really have no idea what's going on compared to most people.

I know I should grab the bastard by the horns and beat the crap out of it with a positive attitude, but that's really hard to convince myself to do when it's 2am, I'm tired, and I still have to finish this essay. Not even finish - since it's the rough draft that's due tomorrow (today?) I'm basically just rambling about stuff in hopes that it'll clock in at 4 pages. Then later on I have to fix the damage I did to it and turn that horridly ugly 4 pages into 7 beautiful pages by Friday.

*sigh* Hopefully this mini-bitch-fest will have proven to give my brain the little zap of inspiration/ability to give a shit about the subject matter/energy it needs to finish this effing thing.

Over the past couple weeks, while unpacking and reorganizing stuff from my apartment in Gunnison, I've found myself planning my intended little move out to California (which in my naïve little mind is going to happen shortly after graduation next spring). Like, oh, I should put all this stuff together in a box neatly labeled, cuz I'll want to take it with me when I move. And my parents have mentioned how I need new dressers and a new bed frame (which I do) a lot recently, and I've just told them that we should wait and see what's up after I graduate, if I move, etc. (I haven't exactly shared my plan with them.) I've also found myself being relieved that, when I move, I'll have a fresh start on establishing a sort of living space. I've been in this room for 20 years, it's rather cluttered and boring. Since it'll just be me in my little car, I won't be able to take all the superfluous shit that I always talk myself into taking along

Also, why am I embarrassed to bring up my little plan to anyone, other than on the Internet? I get asked "Oh what are you going to do after graduation?" so many times, and I always just say "I'm not sure yet." Which is true, I'm not sure, I may very well stay put here in Colorado for the rest of my life, I don't know. But I've wanted to move to California for a long time and over the past year or so it's become clearer and clearer that that's the place that I want to at least give a shot at living in.

Ugh. Been a weird last couple days. I watched the Buffy movie tonight, and my parents were all excited and wanted to watch it with me, then afterwards they were like "what the hell, that was horrible." I was quick to tell them that the show is much better, cuz let's face it...the movie is pretty terrible.

Ugh it's been cloudy and snowing off and on for the better part of two weeks. My mood is always bizarrely in tune with the weather so this is not fun. Even if it were sunny and I could see something other than snow outside, I'm totally over winter. Summer, please. Where are you? I need you.

This semester's classes aren't quite what I'd call "enjoyable" but I'm getting by...just sort of drowning in reading at the moment, and I have to write some silly poem/pretty sentence/story thing in Spanish. I don't like that stuff in English, let alone Spanish. I'm getting kind of tired of Spanish classes to be honest, actually. Sigh.

I go home for a few days over President's Day weekend (at least I think it's President's Day...?) next weekend. Hopefully Denver won't have all that much snow and I'll be able to see, you know, grass and bushes and sidewalks and all that fun stuff that's completely buried here (there's a snow drift outside my window that's almost as tall as I am O.o)

Anyway no point to this entry...I was just trying to avoid homework for a few minutes.

I had a totally unsuccessful job hunt today. Ugh. No place was even considering hiring new people, and here I was dreaming that I'd waltz into some place, they'd love me and hire me on the spot and BOOM I'd have a source of income. But, alas, no. :|

So far this semester is going by really slowly. I know this is only the middle of the second week, but it's already dragging. Ugh.

I've been in kind of a funky mood lately so I'm going to go snowboarding tomorrow, hopefully clear my mind a bit. Snowboarding's actually the only thing that would keep me here for the Spring 09 semester, rather than graduating the Fall 08 semester. Though, like I said, that's the only reason really, so if it works out with summer classes and stuff, then I'm pretty much guaranteeing on graduating early. Yay...? I'm not sure if I've grown up enough to be almost graduating. I guess it's still like a year away, but still....bleh.

Of course when it looks like I actually have an idea about what I want to do with myself for the next year and a half until I graduate, everything starts clashing with everything else. In a nutshell, I don't think I'll be able to do any sort of internship next summer, because I'll need to take some philosophy classes in order to catch up and have sufficient credits for my philosophy minor to graduate by spring 09. I could take some philosophy classes online, but wtf with that? That's lame. Online classes are great for like, biology or geometry or whatever, but philosophy is like 80% discussion so it'd be pretty lame to have it online. Unless there was like, an online discussion board for the class? That'd be ok, I suppose, but I dunno....add that to my List of Shit I Need to Look Into, which is getting rather long!

All this stressing over my philosophy minor, and I haven't really given much thought to my Spanish major. I assume I'm on track for that, but I really don't know. I don't know what most of the classes I took in Barcelona are going to transfer as, so I need to have a pow-wow with my advisor, who is also my Spanish professor, and see what the damn is going on.

Time for geology, and then time to study for my geology lab midterm I have tomorrow that's like half my grade for the entire class and for which I am COMPLETELY UNPREPARED OMG. Actually I think I'll do ok, but it's my prerogative to freak out and go batshit crazy over silly things, so that's what I'm going to do.

Bleh, it's been an interesting 24 hours. (Un)fortunately all the drama has gone on inside my head, so I can't really rant and rave about anything because there's nothing to rant and rave about. I just feel....ugh. Totally not motivated to do anything. I was going to play some Resident Evil 4, or eat, and I found myself wasting time online trying to put those things off. Who the hell puts off eating and playing video games? :|

Next summer is looking like it will be a grand old time. Some sort of reunion of some fashion is more than likely going to occur, though it will probably only be between a handful of people from Barcelona. But, still! I'm excited.

I think I've only said this a grand total of three times in my life, but make it four: I am, to a certain degree, excited for Monday. Why? You don't really want to know.

The 2008 course schedule was just put up. It looks like I'll have Philosophy of Science, Advanced Spanish Conversation and Composition and Spanish for Professionals, and then some other stuff to dull the pain. Those are actually the only classes I can take, with prereqs and all, but it's probably just as well since otherwise I'd probably force myself to fill my schedule with Spanish classes and then I'd go FUCKING CRAZY. I like Spanish and all but....joder, tío, mi cerebro es un poco débil...sea más agradable, porfa...